Dumb Shit My Husband Does

I'm Sorry!

2009-06-24T21:53:00.000-07:00

"I'm sorry... I meant to get Neopolitan, but I got strawberry, chocolate, and vanilla instead."

Where's The Beef!?

2009-05-08T21:03:00.002-07:00

Backstory: I am sick in bed. Husband wants Thai and tells me to pick out what I think I can eat. I text him the order, and he calls it in at 7:15ish. Says it will be 25 minutes.

Text him asking me to bring me a soda and the baby so I can put him down for a nap... he does, then texts this:

"Hubby's Cell" (7:37:09 PM): Your mom needs soda...dammit be back soon

Quite a bit of time passes, and I start to worry. So I text him.

"Me" (8:34:04 PM): hurry up! :P

Note time stamp. Now, his phone is dead and he is using mine so we only have one phone... I'm using AIM and he is using the phone. I can't call him. More time passes.

"Me" (8:55:43 PM): wtfffffffffffffffffff

After I send this, he stumbles in looking like someone has run over him with a truck. He says, "Sorry. I'm going to get the stuff now. I fell asleep on the couch." I stared at him incredulously and started getting upset. He says...

"Why didn't you text me!?"

...wtf.

it's now 9pm. I've given up on food entirely at this point, but he is heading into the thai place hoping to pick up our now probably frozen dinner. We are regulars there, too.. I hope he leaves a good tip.

Speaking of Tortellini.

2009-04-28T16:34:00.005-07:00

The LAST time we made tortellini, I had to have Hubby make it as I was sick. As you've probably grasped already, I sometimes have to give him very detailed instructions on things I need done right... this was one of those times. I'm very particular about my tortellini, and I just wanted it made The Way Mama Used To. What can I say, when I'm sick, I need my comfort food!

Me: Okay. You made the tortellini in chicken stock, just boil til its al dente. Then put the tortilla soup in a bowl, and put the bowl on a plate so I can put them on the side and add cheese. Otherwise the parmesan just dissolves into the broth...
Hubby: Hold on wait. Make the tortellini in broth.
Me: Yes...
Hubby: Then put it all in a bowl.
Me: Yes...
Hubby: Then.. sprinkle cheese all over the bowl and the plate?
Me: -Facepalm-

For what it's worth, he did make it properly in the end ;) Maybe I'll make him cook it tonight too..

I Greater Than Three You

2009-04-28T16:30:00.002-07:00

"Me" (4:24:44 PM): tortellini sounds good for dinner

"Him" (4:25:08 PM): Truth

"Me" (4:25:19 PM): Maybe some fried bananas

"Him" (4:25:49 PM): I'll notify the fire department

"Me" (4:26:08 PM): f*** you

"Him" (4:26:40 PM):

"Me" (4:27:27 PM): ?

"Him" (4:29:08 PM): Supposed to be a heart..i greater then three you baby

"Me" (4:29:32 PM): Its less than three actually.*

"Him" (4:30:05 PM): Less than your face

*<3

RIP Kitty

2009-04-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

My cat died this past holiday season. I am a cat person by nature, we have three remaining. This particular cat was passed down to me when my father passed away when I was twelve, and I was very close to her. I had her cremated and there she sat in a plastic box at the vet's for a few months while I tried to summon up the emotional strength to pick her up. I didn't want to employ Dear Hubby to do the deed knowing full well he would be likely to come back with the wrong cat and possibly a different species altogether... however, I finally gave in when the anxiety to have her home became overwhelming when I was bedridden with an illness.

Me: "Okay stop everything. I need you to listen because this is important."
Hubby stops and cracks a joke by dropping the clean laundry he was carrying to the closet onto the floor.
Me Again: "I'm serious! I need you to go pick up Kitty. Now, they will have her in a little plastic box. Take her urn (one I had bought the day after her passing) with you and have them transfer the ashes into it. Make sure they close the lid tightly because the threads on the top are messed up... but don't let them seal it shut. I don't know if I want to spread the ashes or not. Can you do this?"
Hubby agrees and heads out while I worry over it.

Phone rings. It's Hubby.
"Hey. They have her in this other box. Do you want me to have them transfer the ashes?"

Yo Mama

2009-04-21T20:36:00.000-07:00

"Hubby's Cell" (8:07:11 PM): You're mom

Yours Truly (8:07:17 PM): yes i am

"Hubby's Cell" (8:07:52 PM): Your mom

Yours Truly (8:08:03 PM): Yes she is.

French Creeps.

2009-04-21T18:46:00.001-07:00

"French Creeps."
(Trying to say "Crêpes")

Parent Talk

2009-04-21T18:18:00.001-07:00

"So I was wiping him and a big turd came out. Now its in here, all solid and rolling around, look you gotta see this!"